What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm sobbing to NWA
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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