i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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