I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
