We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Help. Why am I so naked?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
