My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
