I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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