Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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