I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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