So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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