my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
