miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
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He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?