i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I supernannyed him into submission
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