I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm too high and old for this...