I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
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Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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