Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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