remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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