It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Randomize
