I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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