Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
