So drunk its hurt
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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