Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
