I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
