you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
