found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
