I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
