Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We had to coat check the pizza.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
