I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
