He kissed a someone with a penis
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
