Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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