But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
