Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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