dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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