My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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