So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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