So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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