Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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