On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
