I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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