I am in a vortex of obligation.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
