my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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