Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I've blown a few things in my day
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
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Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm just crazy horny about you
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
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You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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