I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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