I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
