I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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