he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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