oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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