i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
