Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
This toilet bowl is my home.
is it fun? or sober?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
