Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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