These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
