my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
She announced her abortion via fbk
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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