haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
