I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
