Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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