She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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