Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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