I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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