I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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