Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
