Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
