I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
